A Crisis in Confidence

When crushing it doesn’t do the trick.  

You might say our culture today is driving people to have low self-esteem, low self-worth, and a lack of confidence. All generally connote a sense of not being good enough. Oh, it’s definitely true that social media, the idolatry of celebrity, money and success amplify that. But is that the root cause? Let’s look a bit deeper.

Why do we conflate what we do with who we are? After all, isn’t that what’s really happening here?

Since we were very little, we heard from our parents or teachers, the people who shaped us the most; the familiar “good girl, good boy, bad girl, bad boy” tied to what we achieved and, in some families, what we didn't achieve. Through this normalization and repetition, we receive the message that what we achieve is equal to us being enough, or lovable, or worthy. 

Children think in very black-and-white terms. And children think that everything is about them. So if a parent tells them they are a good kid because they brought home an A or finished a jigsaw puzzle, that sticks.

If we grow up in a secure family and environment, we have a chance of making it out without that schema. Maybe.

But if you grow up in an insecure family or environment, the damage can persist throughout your life. If praise only came when you performed—and silence or punishment came when you didn’t—you may now live with a persistent belief:

I must achieve to be worthy.

This can be reflected in anything you strive for, whether it's related to money, career, relationships, or anything you're trying to succeed at.

If you have an underlying belief that you are your successes, and you are your failures, then you're in a prison, believing something that has no connection to the truth.

You can grow up to be a perfectionist, a people-pleaser, develop social anxiety, experience total career burnout; succeeding, but always moving the goalposts. These are only a few ways this can play out.

When you start to see that this belief is what's driving you, and that you keep chasing it, then you can begin to decouple your worth from your wins and losses.

Try it. Try to look at your successes and failures as events. Be happy when you succeed, and be disappointed when you fail, but don’t let that touch your self-worth. This allows you to take more risks in your life so that you can live a free and full existence.