The Reassurance Trap

Are we okay? Are you sure? Are you really sure?

All it takes is a look that’s off or a delayed text.

The next moment you are spiraling. Something is wrong.

Your head becomes filled with of all kinds of scenarios, connecting dots that don’t exist.

Then suddenly all is right with the world, because they told you it is.

Phew…for now.

That’s the trap.                                                       

You tell yourself you need clarity, but what you’re really chasing is relief.

Most people think reassurance-seeking is about needing that clarity or comfort. But it’s usually about something deeper: the belief that this relationship has to work because if it ends, I can’t handle it. Literally. I must constantly check that it’s ok so I can breathe.

The driver of this viewpoint could be beliefs like:

If this relationship ends, it means I’m not lovable.

If they pull away, it means something is wrong with me.

If we fight, it means the whole thing is doomed.

If we aren’t together, I won’t survive.

That’s why even when your partner tells you ‘of course we’re good,’ it doesn’t stick. Because the reassurance isn’t resolving anything, it’s just interrupting the anxiety for a moment.

But the more you ask, the more you teach your brain that the only way to feel safe is to get external confirmation, instead of building internal validation. You don’t develop the muscle of trusting yourself to see the big picture. You’re saying, “This is so threatening to me that I have to check every nuance.” And if you have to obsessively check the temperature, you will never feel secure in any relationship.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check in with your partner. But there’s a difference between healthy check-ins and panicked reassurance seeking. And if you’re depending on that reassurance, honestly, what you’re doing is definitely not healthy for you, or the relationship. It’s trying to regulate your anxiety using someone else’s words, when that needs to be developed inside of you.

The therapy I practice is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

In REBT’s perspective, the goal isn’t simply to stop asking for reassurance, it’s to challenge the underlying belief that you can’t tolerate a relationship problem or breakup.

When you start to trust that you can want a relationship without needing it, and that you can handle it if things don’t work out, you’ll stop the obsessive checking and hypervigilance. You’ll be able to see it more clearly, without fear distorting your view.

Try this next time you feel an urge to ask for reassurance from your partner:

Pause: Surf the urge. Watch your desire to get reassurance as if it’s separate from you. See what it’s like to delay reassurance.

Ask: Am I looking for relief from anxiety or is there a real issue here? Is certainty the only way out?

Identify: What is the threat? What story am I telling myself that’s making me feel anxious?

Challenge: Challenge the story. Is it true or is it something you have convinced yourself is true?

Feeling secure can't be outsourced to someone else. When you have confidence and trust in yourself, you are able to be in a relationship that isn't corrupted by anxiety.